Pepsi vs. Coke, but with more explosions and fewer calories

Friends, it’s a question that has to be asked: Voltron or Transformers?

Be prepared to reach deep into your souls this summer for the answer. Transformers will be making its case on July 4, a day of great significance for Americans, Chinese and Wisconsinites. Although Michael Bay has a predilection toward blowing stuff up real good and indulging in heroic slow-motion shootouts (a move he totally stole from John Woo, may Inspector Yuen have mercy on his soul), it’s pretty damn hard to screw up giant robots—or are they cars!?—fighting in what appears to be real life. To wit:



On the other hand, there is a soft, if poorly animated, spot in my heart for Voltron. First of all, you’ve got five giant mechanical lions—or are they cars!? Lioncars! No? OK, sorry—that combine to form an even gianter fighting robot. Second of all, you had a great theme song. Don’t pretend you couldn’t still hum it on demand. And third, you had actual drama: The princess as a source of unspoken sexual tension; the death of a major character; and a resolution to the overarching plot that involved resurrection, betrayal and more death. Yes, of course I looked all this up on the Internet. My memories of life as a 9-year-old aren’t that clear.

I don’t know whether there’s any way for us non-robots to settle this. If there were any justice in the universe, Voltron and, say, Optimus Prime would fight for our enjoyment and we could declare a winner. Until that glorious day, all we can do is wait for July 4 and... an unspecified date in 2008?